I had my second child when my eldest daughter was nine years old. They always warn you about the changes your older child will go through when a new baby comes along, but I was sure the age gap would ensure a smooth transition. After all, my oldest had been asking for a sibling for as long as she could form a sentence. You know what happened next, don't you?
It wasn't extra tears or tantrums, and she certainly wasn't trying to hurt the baby like her 3-year-old cousin who tried to throw his newborn sister in the garbage can. No. This was a quiet pain. The pain of a tween who was old enough to understand that she wanted her sister, that her sister was a cute and innocent baby who needed me more than she did, and that simultaneously, her sister was ruining her life.
Talking didn't help. One-on-one dates were great until we got home, and the baby started crying again. Staying up late together to chat and watch shows was fun, but her colic sister constantly interrupted. We were all getting burnt out. We needed a new way to communicate. An underground communication system of sorts that no one could ever intercept. I decided on a joint diary. As a writer, I knew nothing is a better friend to a crowded mind than a blank page. I went to Barnes and Noble and bought a journal in her favorite color, sky blue. I made the first entry, introducing her to our new incognito method of communication. Here's a portion of what I wrote:
This book is our quiet place in the world.
This book is for clearing our minds. We can write any and every thought and question in it. Nothing is off-limits. This book will hold space for our deepest, scariest, and most embarrassing thoughts. It will also be where we write what makes us laugh, what makes us excited, and what we hope for. There are no limits.
2. This is a vault.
Nothing in this book can be discussed aloud without us both agreeing on it first. We can write back to one another, but the words written can never be spoken, and no one else can ever know about them. (This ensured we could fully let our guards down and write freely).
3. Never leave it lying around.
When we are done writing, we'll leave the journal in a designated spot for the other person to read when they are ready. I will leave it in your nightstand drawer, and you can tuck it between the books piled on mine. Once either of us gets the book back, there will be no time limit for how long we keep it, but we have to continually check our designated spot to see if it has been returned.
Our journal opened a new world for us. We had inside jokes and plans no one knew about. I learned about her crush at school and her gym teacher, who made inappropriate comments (I was able to address that with her principal). I could answer her questions and ease her insecurities without being interrupted. It took some time for her to reveal those things to me, but there were some things I did to build her trust.
Respecting her Privacy.
I encouraged my daughter to have her own journal where she could write things she didn't want to share with anyone, not even me, and I NEVER read it. If she wanted privacy in her bedroom or the bathroom, I gave it to her.
2. Asking for her Opinion
I frequently asked my daughter to weigh in on topics that concerned our lives together, from dinner to family activities and vacations. I wanted her input, and I took it seriously.
3. I Shared my Feelings, Too.
This journal wasn't a place for me to be Yoda. I shared my musings and learnings with her. I told her when a decision was hard for me and revealed when I'd made mistakes or embarrassed myself.
Once I was back in the classroom teaching ELA to 105 middle school students, I asked them to anonymously write any questions they'd ask their parents if they knew they'd never have to discuss them out loud. Many of their questions were the same. You can find the list here. I hope it can serve as a tool for you to keep your ever-changing tween closer for longer.
Join us for a Zoom information session with founder Amanda Lucas, every Thursday from 6:30-7 pm where we'll be laying the vision for a revolutionary middle school that will open this September:
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